Suddenly it struck me, I ‘m watching fireworks all on my own on New Year’s eve. And it doesn’t make me feel sad at all. I’m a lonely girl, one of the few out there and even though admitting that might be sad , I’m proud of it. The most crazy thing about it, I have the most amazing boyfriend a girl could wish for and a family whom I love so much.
And still standing here alone watching through that window makes me feel strong, stronger than I’ve felt in months. Why is that?
I love my boyfriend, he makes me smile over and over again, he makes me feel safe and lets me be that little girl again. Maybe that’s exactly the problem, I need to find my way, need to be strong and stand on my own, which I never do, as I always fall right back in his arms again. It’s nice but wrong. Being on my own seems to force me to stand strong and accomplish stuff, to conquer the world and seduce a lot of strangers. It makes me feel crappy and great at the same time. Lately the only moments I need and want to be strong are those few times when my best friend gets hurt and I suddenly turn into this vicious sad animal, who would do anything to protect the one she loves so much against any kind of pain.
It would be easy to conclude, that I should just get rid of that boyfriend. But if you’re really thinking that, you’re so wrong! He’s the best, he’s smart and sweet and accepts every crazy little detail about me. And even the hottest girl in the world couldn’t find someone more wonderful! Don’t even ask me to what I owed the pleasure of meeting that guy, ’cause I don’t know. True he might not be a real Adonis, but trust me there’s a lot worse out there. And to me his smile and the colour of his beautiful eyes means everything. I need nothing more.
I’m in love!
Falling in love is just what 2012 brought me, and I’ll just need to adjust. I’ll probably never have meaningless sex with some guy again, or be able to flirt with just anybody, or kiss that one hot girl, just because I want to know how her lips feel. But that’s just the way life goes, isn’t it? So this year, is the year I’ll finally have to grow up, I’ll have to find a place in my head for my long term relationship .
But most of all I’ll need to find my own place in that relationship and learn to be the strong achieving woman I could be, rather than relying on the support of a guy or mother or whatever. My New Year’s resolution, something I just didn’t seem to find, suddenly became easy: stand strong, stand on my own, and still be able to stand next to my guy.